Silly Woman, Cartoons are for Kids

In my last blog, I started discussing a woman who recently had plastic surgery to look like Jessica Rabbit. Crazy as it sounds, it is 100% true, I kid you not.

I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your seat to find out what this woman looks like now that she has been remade in the image of a cartoon vixen. And now, the moment of truth.

Drum roll please...

Jessica Rabbit, circa 1988

Annette Edwards, post-plastic surgery

Wow! Talk about a letdown. Maybe I need to get my eyes checked, but it seems to me that this woman looks nothing like Jessica Rabbit. If I were her, I'd be asking for my money back.

In light of these shocking developments, let's break down the incompetence of her plastic surgeon and point out Annette's shortcomings in her bid to take this madness all the way. Let's start with her botched plastic surgery:

When trying to turn back the clock 30 years (I think it's safe to say Jessica Rabbit is in her 20s), you're probably going to need a little more help than just a brow lift and chin implants. Most likely, you will need a full facelift. This woman can't even pass for 40, much less 25. Oh, and perhaps she could have overdone it a bit more on the BOTOX as well.

The eyes are always the first feature to give away your age. Annette really needs blepharoplasty if she is serious about becoming a sultry cartoon goddess.

While she did get the brow lift, an essential procedure if you are really going to look like Jessica Rabbit, she did not take it far enough. Her brows don't even point in the same direction as Jessica's, and to be honest, they are much hairier. Maybe some waxing could help in that department.

Have you noticed Jessica's luscious long eyelashes? I'm sure you have, because they are one of her most prominent facial features. Have you noticed Annette's? Neither did I. Do you know why? It's because she doesn't have any. Why oh why didn't her doctor prescribe Latisse for her?

Moving on to the lips. If you were to breed Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger to create an offspring with "master race" quality lips, the result would still pale in comparison to Jessica Rabbit. Cartoon or no cartoon, Jessica easily has the world's most seductive lips -- porn stars around the world were eating their hearts out when she was created. It looks like Annette would need a vat of collagen to be placed in the same category as Jessica. Where was this procedure on her list? That, my friends, is the million dollar question.

While it is tough to get a good look at Jessica's nose from this picture, it is still clear that it is far more petite and shapely than Annette's. Where was the nose job in this transformation?

I'll cut her a pass on the cheeks; it seems that genetics were on her side for this one. Her high cheek bones are the one trait she shares with Jessica Rabbit.

Unfortunately, we did not get a full body shot of Annette, which prevents us from tearing apart her efforts to achieve the perfect cartoon body. But based on Jessica's proportions, I'd say that a breast lift would hardly be enough to achieve those boobs. You need breast augmentation for that. Something along the line of F cups perhaps?

I hope Annette's diet and fitness program involved a whole lot of sit-ups, because I seriously doubt that eating like a rabbit would give her Jessica's six pack or curves. But since we don't get to see her body, we'll have to give her a pass on this one too.

Now, here is where Annette dropped the ball:

Hello. Jessica Rabbit is a red-head. You are a blonde. For God sake woman, dye your hair! You blew it on the easiest step. And how about those eyes? You have poopy brown ones. Jessica has emerald green ones. Ever heard of contact lenses? When you are too lazy to take care of these rather important, yet utterly easy to fix details, you lose all credibility in my book.

I suppose it is unfair to blame this fiasco on the shortcomings of Annette's plastic surgeon. After all, he was charged with the daunting task of making her look like a cartoon character. I wonder what his reaction was when Annette first walked into his office with a picture of Jessica Rabbit and said, "I want to look like this." If I were her surgeon, I most likely would have politely declined the job and referred her to a psychiatrist. Then I'd call all my closest friends and tell them that a lunatic just walked into my office asking to become a cartoon character.

Looking at this from a "glass half full" perspective, his job could have been much harder. Annette could have asked to look like Betty Boop. Then her surgeon would have had to make her black and white. I would pay good money to see a surgeon who can pull that off.

I guess the moral of the story is, don't try to look like a cartoon character, especially one with caricature-like dimensions. There is no way you can ever achieve this goal, and it will only make people like me laugh at you on the Internet once you've fallen short.

If you live in the Chicago, Illinois area and would like to change your appearance to resemble an actual human, please contact the Chicago plastic surgery office of Dr. Otto Placik to schedule your free initial consultation. Dr. Placik doesn't do cartoons. Sorry to disappoint you.