I had a tough time deciding what to write this week's blog about. Here were some of my top choices:

• NFL cheerleaders and plastic surgery (in honor of the Super Bowl) -- unfortunately, I couldn't dig up anything good on the topic
  
• Labiaplasty blog on women with two vaginas -- yes, Tyra Banks actually found 5 such women and put them on her show recently (is she any better than Jerry Springer?) -- this one may have been a bit too racy for me to handle without getting fired
  
• The popularity of different plastic surgery procedures based on region of the country -- boring!

Fortunately, I came across a story about a woman in the throes of desperation, driven to extreme measures in order to win back her boyfriend. I'm sure plenty of you can relate to the feeling. There's no telling what people will do to hold onto someone they love until they are faced with the very real threat of losing that person. These are often the stories that make up the rather one-dimensional plots of screwball comedies. Except on the big screen, we tend to laugh at these situations. When it involves someone we know and care about, the response is generally more like, "D'oh!"

Xiaoqing is a 21-year-old woman from China. Her 28-year-old boyfriend recently broke up with her and she hasn't been the same since. Her devastation is so all-encompassing that she is ready to try anything -- and I mean anything -- to win him back. This includes undergoing extensive plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba, her ex-boyfriend's favorite actress (he's reportedly obsessed with her films -- I guess there's no accounting for taste in China).

Wait a minute, didn't I just write about this recently? Someone getting extensive plastic surgery to look like a famous Jessica? Oh wait, that was Jessica Rabbit. I'm not sure which is worse, a British woman in her late 50s trying to look just like a cartoon character or a Chinese woman trying to look like a blond Caucasian bombshell. Either way, these people need serious therapy. Crazy plastic surgery junkies, what's wrong with looking like yourself? That was so 20^th Century. Today, it's all about looking like someone else. Why be original when you can pay someone to cut you up and make you look like your favorite celebrity?

If I were to get plastic surgery to look like someone famous, I'd choose Michael Jackson. That would really confuse the crap out of the plastic surgeon. Which of his 18 different noses should I choose? What would my skin color be? The options are limitless. "Doc, I'll take MJ's 1987 nose, his 1992 skin complexion, and his 1976 eyes. Oh, and make sure I get his pre-Pepsi commercial 'I'm on fire' accident hair." I would have so much fun watching the bewildered expression on the surgeon's face as he tried to talk me out of my impending plastic surgery nightmare. I guess I just have a sick and twisted sense of humor.

But back to our story...

Xiaoqing went to a hospital in Shanghai for her procedure. The doctors didn't want to sugar coat it for her. They told her it would take a miracle the equivalent of Moses parting the Red Sea to make an Asian girl look like a blond Caucasian woman, especially one with a face as iconic as Jessica Alba's. But Xiaoqing is unflappable in her resolve. She will get her boyfriend back, no matter what it takes.

And what will it take, you ask? I can't say for certain, but I'll venture to speculate:

• Blepharoplasty -- Definitely, without a doubt, must be done! We need to round out those eyes, don't you think?
  
• Lip implants -- Jessica's are much poutier than Xiaoqing's.
• Breast augmentation -- Another must-have, don't you think?
  
• Liposuction -- I haven't seen Xiaoqing's body, but I doubt she has Jessica's curves.
  
• Rhinoplasty -- We need to reconstruct this girl's face, so let's just throw in the nose job for good measure.
  

Of course, she may need several other procedures as well. After all, she is trying to look like a famous actress.

Xiaoqing:

Jessica Alba:

You might be wondering how a 21-year-old girl from Communist China can afford all this plastic surgery. An excellent question. I was wondering the same thing myself. In a brief moment of generosity, the hospital decided to perform the surgery free of charge in return for the rights to publicize her story across the globe.

No kidding. I guess there is no Hippocratic Oath for doctors in China. Instead of turning this poor woman away and referring her to psychologist (the honorable and ethical decision), they chose to whore themselves out for a little worldwide press. Ah, to be a plastic surgery pimp.

Here is Xiaoqing's rationalization for her life-altering decision: "As a member of the younger generation in this country, I have a choice to decide what I want in life. I have never been able to let him go. If in the end, he still does not accept me after I undergo the plastic surgeries, I will give up. I will then choose to let go, start afresh and live life by myself."

My commentary:

• You can choose to decide what you want in life, but so can your ex-boyfriend. Clearly, he chose to NOT keep you in his life. Deal with it. Don't be a spoiled brat and act like it is your right to make him be with you. Life doesn't work that way, no matter what country you live in.
  
• If he chooses to take you back after your surgery, I would be a bit skeptical about your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who would only take you back because you looked like his favorite celebrity vixen? That isn't really the type of person you want to date. There are over a billion people in China. I'm sure you can find someone with a little more substance and integrity than that.
  
• If this doesn't work, do you really think you are going to give up? Really? Don't insult my intelligence. You are crazy enough to undergo massive plastic surgery to look like a completely different person. You will not stop just because he says, "Sorry. I still don't want you." I'm not sure what crazy plan you'll hatch next, but let's be clear about one thing. This will not be your last attempt to win back this dude. Can we say restraining order?
  
• When he eventually rejects you AGAIN, which I'm sure he will because you are clearly CRAZY, you will have to start afresh by living your life by yourself, but looking like someone else. Not only will you be alone, you will broadcast to the rest of the world that you are completely nuts, and no one will ever want to date you again. Even if you do look like Jessica Alba.
  
• Oh, and what are the odds that the plastic surgeon will be able to pull off this miracle? What happens when you come out of surgery looking not like Xiaoqing and not like Jessica Alba, but like some mish-mashed monstrosity? Then what? How's your ex-boyfriend going to react if you look like a freak? This is the gift that keeps on giving. You will forever have a constant reminder of the lowest moment of your life every time you look in the mirror. Most likely, you will not like what you see.
  

Sorry to be harsh, Xiaoqing. I'm just calling it like it is.

If you live in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area and have a reasonable plastic surgery request, please contact experienced Pittsburgh plastic surgeon Dr. James Barber today to schedule your initial consultation. However, if you want to look like Jessica Alba, Jessica Rabbit, Jessica Simpson, or any other famous Jessica, you may want to consider visiting a psychologist before booking your plastic surgery consultation.

Before you read any further, you MUST -- I repeat MUST -- watch the video in the link below. You have no choice. The entertainment value of what follows hinges on your having seen this video. Plus, don't you want to see this woman crush a watermelon with her giant fake boobs? Who can resist an offer like that?

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d21_1231085665

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this one. I'm sure we can all agree it is a classic piece of television which must be preserved for posterity. I know I'll be showing it to my grandkids in 50 years. I suggest you do the same.

I love how they shift back and forth between speaking English and Spanish. It's like they're not sure who is tuning into this program. Should we cater to the gringos north of the border or just our regular Latino viewing audience? Then again, I think the message imparted when you smash a watermelon with your giant breast implant should universally speak to everyone in the audience, no matter what your native language may be.

I also love that the woman dedicates her bludgeoning of the watermelon to her mother in Santiago. A rather odd choice don't you think? If you were smashing a fruit larger than a newborn baby with your torpedo-sized breasts, would you really want your parents to tune in and watch? Do you think they would throw a viewing party for all their friends? Would they stand up and cheer, shouting, "Hit that melon. GO! GO! GO! GO! That's my girl." I'm sure her parents are beaming with pride as we speak. A lifetime of parenting, all for this one glorious 60 second moment that will be forever remembered on the Internet. It really makes you want to have kids.

If you watch closely, you can see a chunk of her hair extensions fall off the second time she hits the watermelon. Then, if you keep watching closely, you will see her deftly remove the piece of hair from the table a few seconds later (approximately 20-25 seconds into the video -- yes, I've studied this clip a little too closely). I can't really tell what happens to the hair. Does she put it in her pocket? Does she stuff it down her shirt next to her massive fake boobs? Does she drop it on the floor? Regardless, she clearly didn't want to get watermelon juice on her precious fake hair. After all, that would be tragic.

She has a very interesting technique. She alternates between hitting the watermelon with one boob and two boobs. Sometimes she'll go double boob twice in a row, sometimes she'll single boob it twice in a row. How will she hit it next? We just don't know. She is so sly, she keeps us on our toes the whole time. You might want to call her the Muhammad Ali of watermelon bludgeoning. Float like a butterfly, sting like a breast.

When the watermelon finally cracks, you think she's done. But wait. There's more. She must finish the job by hitting that thing 4 more times. As if it wasn't destroyed enough the first time. Before her last strike, she even pauses for what seems like an eternity to measure her down stroke. Executed like a true pro.

Anyone hungry? Feel like some watermelon drenched in silicone? Yummy. She goes to town, grinning from ear to ear, watermelon juice dripping down her face. Clearly, it's a tasty watermelon. So why doesn't the TV show host want to try some when she offers him a piece? Could it be that it was just smashed into pieces by a nuclear warhead-sized breast? Did you see the guy's reaction? He was speechless! He couldn't even respond to the offer. He even ran off the set in order to avoid eating that thing. She had him freaked out.

Those were my highlights. But this is a plastic surgery blog, so we should talk a little bit about her breast implants too. What do you suppose they are made of? Steel? Iron? Kevlar? Arnold Schwarzenegger's endoskeleton from The Terminator?

I'm shocked that they didn't pop from the impact. Her plastic surgeon must be pretty good. Oh, and how much silicone does it take to break a watermelon into a million pieces? A gallon? Two gallons? I wonder if at her initial consultation, she told the doctor, "Pump me with enough silicone to bust up a giant watermelon. I don't believe in using knives."

That must have been painful, fake breasts or not. What would ever possess someone to do a thing like that? I doubt it was her first go at this. Her technique was too refined. I wonder if she is always black and blue from pounding on fruit with her surgically enhanced breasts.

Alternative Watermelon Crushing Scenarios

To leave you all today, I would like to place a few images in your mind to help wipe away the scarring display I just forced you to watch. Let's consider how this event would have transpired under the following situations:

• An 8-year-old's birthday party -- Do you think a bunch of 8-year-old kids could bust that thing pinata-style? I suppose you would need to supply them with an aluminum bat instead of a tiny wooden stick. I would feel bad for the poor kid who actually busts that thing wide open, only to find out there is no candy -- just a heaping mound of watermelon debris all over the place. Talk about a let-down.
  
• Tailgating at a football game -- Ok, so how many beers would a bunch of meatheads have to drink tailgating at a football game before they thought about crushing that watermelon on their head? Crushing an empty beer can on your forehead is one thing, but this might send you to the hospital. Safety first -- wear a helmet.
  
• Star Wars style -- How would she break this watermelon using the force? We can divide this into two scenarios. In the first one, a greatly dismayed Yoda would look at her with his signature constipated facial expression, yelling, "There is no try, only do or do not." He would then lift the giant watermelon out of the swamp so that she could take a swat at it with her light saber.

  In the next scenario, we turn to the Dark Side of the force. She is now Darth Vader (with really big boobs). She points to the watermelon, saying "You have failed me for the last time." The watermelon begins to choke under her wrath, eventually exploding like the planets experiencing the wrath of the Death Star.

• Matrix style -- This one would be a little difficult. I doubt she can fit into those tight leather outfits that the women of the Matrix would always wear. Maybe Keanu Reeves could lend her his trench coat so that she is more comfortable. But as with any other problem encountered in the Matrix, there is only one way to solve it -- pump 50 rounds of machine gun bullets into it until it is truly dead.
  
• Godfather style -- How would Don Corleone order the execution of this watermelon? Again, I will present you with two scenarios. In the first, the watermelon is placed in the front passenger seat of a car while Luca Brazzi sits behind it, strangling it with a wire. It should be a little less messy than those executions in the movie -- there aren't any legs to kick through the windshield while it fights for its dear life. But it may drip watermelon juice all over the car's upholstery. That could be tough to clean.
  

  In the next scenario, Don Corleone stands in front of the priest taking Baptism for his new God-son, renouncing Satan and all of the other evil vices in his life. Across town, one of his thugs (with giant fake boobs) places a bullet right through the butt-end of the watermelon, showing it who is boss once and for all.
  

• Karate Kid style -- This one is my favorite. A whole new era for Mr. Miyagi. As our mondo-breasted woman flails around trying to grasp the fundamentals of karate, Mr. Miyagi could tell her, "Karate not from here (points to her hands). Karate not from here (points to her head). Karate comes from here (fondles her massive breast implants). Now, show me wax on, wax off. Show me sand the floor. Show me paint the fence. Show me pound the melon." I'm sure you can figure out how this one ends.

If you are interested in breast augmentation to bust up a watermelon in the Orlando, Florida area, please contact experienced Orlando breast surgeon Dr. Brian Joseph today to schedule your free initial consultation. Make sure you warn him in advance if you intend to use your new breasts as battering rams. It may affect your procedure.

Well, no one ever said that plastic surgery addicts were smart.

For some, plastic surgery addiction simply leads to massive amounts of debt and a healthy dose of ridicule from bloggers like me. However, in the hands of a certifiable nut job, this addiction can lead to horrific disfigurement. Today, we are talking about a woman who dove head first across that line.

Hang Mioku is a 48-year-old Korean woman who has struggled with the demons of her plastic surgery addiction for more than 20 years. From her first procedure at the age of 28, she was hooked. She even moved to Japan in an effort to more easily get her fix.

Over the years, Hang has undergone many facial plastic surgery procedures, leaving her face swollen and disfigured. However, while her sane friends and neighbors gasped in horror, Hang saw a beautiful face reflecting back at her in the mirror. I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Finally, she had taken her addiction so far that plastic surgeons began to cut her off. Eventually, no reputable plastic surgeon in Japan was willing to operate on her. One of these surgeons even referred her to a psychologist.

Ostracized from the Japanese plastic surgery community, Hang returned to Korea determined to continue mutilating her face beyond recognition. Not that she needed any more surgery to accomplish this goal. Her parents, who hadn't seen her in years, no longer recognized her.

It took some time, but Hang eventually convinced them that she was indeed their daughter. Faced with the reality that their daughter had lost all her marbles, Hang's parents brought her for psychiatric treatment. Unfortunately, therapy wasn't the answer. She needed rehab.

Do they have rehab centers for plastic surgery addicts? They probably should, because junkies like Hang need a lot more help than you can get in therapy.

Most likely, Hang would never make it to plastic surgery rehab. I can see her adopting Amy Winehouse as her spokesperson, joyously singing, "Tried to make me go to rehab, I said NO NO NO!" Of course, this anthem may not have the same power when sung in Korean.

Getting back to our story...

Therapy didn't work, and rehab was out of the question. Hang was back on the streets jonesing for some silicone to satisfy the proverbial itch. Luckily, there was at least one dealer -- I mean plastic surgeon -- who wouldn't balk at feeding her addiction.

Not only was this doctor willing to perform silicone injections on Hang, he even sold her a kit with a syringe and some silicone so that she could "shoot up" at home. Talk about an enabler. I'm surprised this guy didn't get his medical license revoked.

Eventually, Hang went through her entire stash. She was facing the ultimate junkie conundrum: go cold turkey and take control of your life (not an option) or resort to desperate measures in the continued search for the ultimate high (YES! YES! YES!).

For Hang, desperate times meant cooking oil. That's right, cooking oil. Fry up a little Hang to go with your bacon and eggs. Just make sure to use enough oil to prevent her face from sticking to the pan.

Well, not exactly. Hang didn't saute her face. She just injected a butt-load of cooking oil into it. Not too smart.

Apparently, when you inject cooking oil into your face, it blows up to grotesquely large proportions. At least, that's what happened to Hang's face. The neighborhood kids even gave her a nickname -- "standing fan" -- referring to the fact that she had a huge head on a tiny body. If she spins around in circles really fast, do you think it looks like she oscillates?

Hang eventually became famous for her disfigurement, and Korean TV talk show hosts started knocking at her door. Many viewers took pity on Hang and donated money for a surgical procedure that would bring her face back to a normal size.

Hang went for several operations to remove the mess of substances inserted into her face over the years. Unfortunately, nothing could be done. While her face is not quite as large as before, she is still hideously disfigured.

There is a bright side to this story though. Hang has finally seen the errors of her junkie ways and says she wishes she could have her original face back. More than 20 years of addiction, agony, and self-mutilation to finally realize she would have been better off accepting the face she was born with.

The moral of the story -- if you know someone suffering from a plastic surgery addiction, she doesn't need rehab. Just take a huge needle and shoot cooking oil into her face. She'll never want to go under the knife again, although she may look like this:

If you are interested in plastic surgery in the Jacksonville, Florida area, please contact the Desai Center of Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery to schedule your free initial consultation. Junkies please stay away. Dr. Desai won't feed your addiction.

Hmm. All I can say is, are you serious?

A man in Charlotte, North Carolina is wanted by local authorities after he and his buddy robbed a Family Dollar store in the area. The heist -- $48 worth of laundry detergent. Oh, and both men are cross-dressers.

But wait, it gets better. Their getaway car was a rental. Brilliant. It's going to be hard to track that one fellas (can you call a cross-dresser a fellow?).

During the getaway, they unsuccessfully attempted to run over a witness in the parking lot. The store manager swears it was intentional. I'm sorry, but can anyone truly be that bad of a driver? A person is a pretty big target. If you are trying to hit the guy, you've gotta hit the guy. No excuses. Bonus points if you rupture his spleen.

Somehow, the witness used his ninja-like reflexes to narrowly avoid a crushing blow at the hands of a rented Mitsubishi Galant driven by two cross-dressers stealing laundry detergent. Congrats buddy. You have one hell of a story to tell your grandkids.

Would you believe I haven't even gotten to the truly bizarre part of the story yet? This next part even floored me, and I'm a pretty tough audience to shock these days (see my last few blogs and you'll understand why).

One man has already been apprehended by the police, but his partner, Mitchelle E. Anthony, is still at large and apparently in hiding. Yes, his name is Mitchelle. Not Mitchell, not Michelle, but Mitchelle. I guess the dude just couldn't figure out which one to choose. Why not have the best of both worlds?

I wonder how that would work with my name? Andrewea? Not quite Andrew, not quite Andrea, but Andrewea. A hideous thought. Let's just pretend I never went there.

And now, back to the good part of our story...

Mitchelle is apparently aware that he is now a wanted fugitive of the law. We know this because he called police headquarters to inform them that he promises to turn himself in...

...once he has recovered from breast augmentation.

And the best part? The police response: "OK."

I suppose there isn't a sense of urgency to bring in a person wanted for stealing $48 of laundry detergent, even if he did try to kill someone in the process. But really? You are going to let this MAN tell you he is slowly recovering from breast augmentation, and he needs to rest before coming in for questioning?

The funny thing about this whole situation is that Mitchelle probably needs to buy all new clothes to accommodate his perky new breast implants. Why does he even need to wash his old clothes?

I suppose if you need that much detergent, you probably haven't done laundry in about 5 years, so maybe your clothes stink to high hell. Maybe the new wardrobe for his breast implants is a blessing in disguise.

According to Mitchelle's friends, he has fully recovered from his operation and is hiding out somewhere. Now the police have lost all their leads. Too bad, I'm sure they could have found him while he was bed-ridden nursing his swollen new breasts. Now they just have to face the embarrassment of letting a cross-dressing laundry detergent thief slip through their fingers because they allowed HIM to recover from breast augmentation.

I personally think Mitchelle made the right choice in hiding out. I have a feeling he would have been some big dude's whipping boy in the big house with those nice new implants and a name like Mitchelle. Better not drop the soap.

Police are asking anyone with information on this highly crafty fugitive to contact them at once. He may be dressed like a man. He may be dressed like a woman. It's just too hard to say one way or the other. But he will definitely have rather large breasts.

Oh, and he's HUGE -- 5'6", 230 pounds. Did he really need breast augmentation at that weight? He probably already had pretty hefty man-boobs. Here's a mug shot of Mitchelle to help you in your search:

If you live in the Fairfield County, Connecticut area and are interested in breast augmentation to avoid apprehension by the police, please contact the Connecticut plastic surgery office of Dr. Rick Rosen today to schedule your initial consultation. Cross-dressers are welcome.

This advice, while quite prudent, was clearly not heeded by the Marshalls, the resident British queens of breast augmentation. When I give them this distinction, I am not trying to be witty or sarcastic. They have legitimately earned this rather dubious honor.

Chantal Marshall and four of her nine daughters have combined for nine breast augmentations between them, setting a record for the most breast surgeries by a British family. Of course, this is a source of great pride to the Marshall clan, who have even gone as far as calling their home Silicone City. A bit sick and twisted if you ask me, but I guess everyone needs something to be proud of.

You might be wondering why they needed nine operations to improve the breasts of five women. Did the doctors botch a few of the initial operations, requiring extensive revision surgery to get it right? If so, this would speak volumes about the Marshall women's ability to pick a plastic surgeon.

But alas, there are no gruesome tales of nasty breast implants riding up too high, leaky silicone dripping through their bodies, implants that go pop in the night, or nipples that were incorrectly reattached in a manner that makes them look like circus side show freaks.

Their story is much more boring than that. They just really love getting new breast implants, and one trip to the doctor doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy their insatiable urge for MORE SILICONE. A bit loco if you ask me. Maybe we should have them all committed.

To date, the Marshalls have spent about $65,000 on breast implants. But don't worry. It probably won't be long before they hit six figures. There are still four daughters who have yet to go under the knife and two daughters who have only made one trip to their plastic surgeon. They have some catching up to do.

This madness undoubtedly hit its peak the day Chantal accompanied daughters Emma and Ripley to the hospital for mommy/daughter plastic surgery. That's right, all three had breast augmentation on the same day from the same doctor. I can only imagine the pissing contest going on in the recovery room as 50-year-old Chantal shoved her droopy boobs in her daughters' faces, insisting hers were the greatest.

Meet the Marshalls

Let's delve a little deeper into "The Real Sisters of Silicone City" -- Britain's reigning family of plastic surgery freaks:

Chantal

Vital stats: Age 50, mother of nine, 3 breast augmentations, $21,600 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34DD

The Skinny: Popping out nine kids left her breasts looking like milk bottles (her description, not mine). Jeez, I wonder what else got a little blown out in the process. Maybe a labiaplasty is on the horizon for Chantal as well.

Her first operation left her a bit traumatized, but not enough to deter her from throwing her chips back on the table for round two after seeing her daughter Emma's results. Two years later, she couldn't pass up the opportunity of a lifetime -- round 3, performed simultaneously with two of her daughters. As Sly Stone once said, "It's a family affair."

Chantal is very proud of the stunning family resemblance resulting from hair bleach and matching breast implants. If they were an American family, they'd probably all live together in a trailer park in West Virginia.

Emma

Vital stats: Age 28, beauty therapist, 2 breast augmentations, $15,200 on breast implants, started at 34B, now 34F

The Skinny: She got her first boob job at the ripe old age of 18. The inspiration for her surgery was countless hours of watching Pamela Anderson's jugs bounce up and down as she saved lives on Baywatch. Congrats Pam -- yet another dubious accolade to pad your rather forgettable resume.

For her second operation, Emma participated in the family debacle I've mentioned above. She couldn't wait for the anesthesia to wear off so that she could participate in a three-way "boob-off" with Ripley and her mom.

Ripley

Vital stats: Age 18, design student and nail technician, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 34C, now 34DD

The Skinny: Proudly, she's the youngest Marshall girl to get breast augmentation. She not only takes pride in her fake boobs, she basks in the glory of her mom's and sisters' silicone behemoths as well. Isn't that nice, she's a team player. She claims the family has become much closer as a result of their shared love of silicone. Aw, now I'm getting all warm and fuzzy inside.

Before getting implants, Ripley used to pad her bra with chicken fillets. That's right, chicken fillets. I'm not sure if they were raw or cooked, and I'm not sure which would be more disgusting. I wonder if her boyfriends used to find her breasts finger lickin' good.

She saved up half the money for her procedure and was lucky enough to procure a loan for the remainder of the balance. Lucky for her, the British love their plastic surgery, and they have no qualms about giving a girl just outside of high school a few grand to boost her bra size, especially if it means a few hungry families can now eat all those chicken fillets Ripley was stuffing down her bra.

Terri

Vital stats: Age 25, dancer, 1 breast augmentation, $7,200 on breast implants, started at 32DD, now 32GG

The Skinny: That's right, DDs weren't enough for Terri. She needed to go bigger. I guess being naturally well-endowed doesn't prevent you from feeling left out when your sisters are going for upgrades. Besides, I think Terri has a bit of a competitive streak. She's been known to argue with Emma over who has the biggest boobs.

Terri prefers breast augmentation to going to the dentist. A rather odd comparison, I must say, but OK. She has also claimed that if she were flat-chested, she'd be willing to stuff as many as 10 chicken fillets in her bra to mask her deficiencies. What's with these girls and chicken fillets in their bras?

Tara

Vital stats: Age 22, receptionist, 2 breast augmentations, $12,800 on breast implants, started at 34A, now 34E

The Skinny: Poor Tara. She was the unfortunate recipient of A cups. This must have caused her a great deal of distress, especially as she watched her older sisters repeatedly pump silicone into their breasts. I mean, she just couldn't measure up. What's a girl to do?

I'll tell you what she's going to do. She's going to get implants at the very first chance she gets. As soon as she turned 17, she booked her initial consultation so that she could have her operation immediately after turning 18. Time's running out. No time to waste. She's only 18. God forbid she goes another day with A cups. She'll bring shame to her family. Oy vey.

Tara loves her fake look so much that she decided to go for round 2 several years ago. Now she feels amazing. We're so happy for you Tara.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Jacksonville, Florida area, please contact the Jacksonville plastic surgery office of Desai Plastics today to schedule your initial consultation with Dr. Ankit Desai. Family is very important to Dr. Desai. If you come with your mom and all your sisters, maybe he will cut you a group discount.

I'm referring to a BOTOX blackmail scandal that has recently surfaced in Great Britain. A British woman secretly filmed an encounter with her plastic surgeon where she performed a sexual act for him while he was administering her BOTOX treatment.

Wow! I'm impressed. I don't know that I would be able to keep a steady enough hand to properly administer the BOTOX injection under those circumstances. I'd be too distracted. Either this doctor has incredible self-control or his patient is not very good at what she does.

Regardless, I'm shocked that this woman would risk the facial disfigurement that would result if her handiwork caused the good doctor to botch her BOTOX injection. She would have a freakish face for months, and then her doctor would most likely not want to engage in future sexual encounters with her. I suppose she was so turned on by her doctor that she simply couldn't wait 15 minutes for the procedure to be completed. Our doctor must have some serious mojo.

According to the reports, the two were not caught having sex, although it sounds like they have engaged in an ongoing sexual relationship. Instead, she had performed a "sexual act" on him. Since the incident occurred while he was administering her BOTOX treatment (I'm still blown away every time I think about this -- no pun intended), she most likely was not using her mouth. I mean, he would have to be a very talented doctor to perform the procedure under those circumstances. By process of elimination, we can probably figure out what was going on between the two love birds on this tape. However, in order to maintain a semblance of professionalism on this blog, I will not speak any further on this subject. I trust you can all use your imaginations.

But I digress. Back to the story...

Somehow, this woman let her clandestine sex tape fall into the hands of her husband. I don't quite understand how this happened. I would think that he would be the last person she would want to see the tape. I guess if this woman is dumb enough to risk disfigurement by performing sexual acts on her doctor while he is administering her procedure, she is probably dumb enough to bring the tape home, pop it in the DVD player, and say, "Honey, look what I did today!"

However, instead of going into a fit of rage, her husband saw dollar $ign$. He went straight to the doctor and demanded a little over $32,000 to keep his mouth shut. Hmm. A whole $32,000. For that paltry sum of money, he is risking incarceration in a federal prison. After all, he is blackmailing a plastic surgeon. They make good money. Don't you think he should have set his sights a bit higher? Maybe ask for a few hundred grand to keep the tape private? $32,000 just seems a bit anti-climactic for a blackmail scandal.

It appears that at first, the doctor was planning on paying. However, at the urging of his brother, he brought the matter to the police.

According to the doctor's court testimony, the sexual relationship with this woman was completely consensual. Furthermore, she demanded that he supply her with drugs such as ketamine. I guess she liked to party. I wonder if she was in a K-hole while performing the sex act in question. That would certainly be an interesting twist of events. Or maybe she shared the ketamine with her husband, and when he asked where she got it, she showed him the tape. Wouldn't that be a doozy?

I suppose the moral of our story is that if you are going to let your patient perform sexual acts on you, wait until AFTER the procedure has been completed and she is no longer your patient so that you do not risk having your medical license revoked. And for God sake, don't let her get the encounter on video tape. Learn from Tiger, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, and the countless others before you who have been caught red handed. Be discreet! You don't know how big of a mouth your mistress may have (again, no pun intended).

If you are interested in BOTOX injections in the Seattle, Washington area, please contact the Seattle plastic surgery office of Pratt Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Pratt plays it by the book, so don't expect any hanky panky during your injections.