Say it ain't so Ozzy. Have you really sunk this low? Somewhere in the depths of my childhood memories, I still have this vision of the person you used to be. How did you ever stray so far from that person?

Sadly, this latest episode will only serve to further tarnish the reputation of the former godfather of metal. I can't believe I'm even repeating this, but here goes:

This summer, Sharon Osbourne plans to have her breast implants removed, and she is giving them to Ozzy as a gift. In a few short months, her used breast implants will be paperweights on Ozzy's desk.

I don't know where to start on this one. How about here - Ozzy sits at a desk? Really? Does he even know how to read? The guy who bit the head off of a live bat at a show is reading the Sunday Times and paying bills at his desk. Maybe even analyzing records of his stock portfolio, which will soon be firmly secured on this desk underneath a pair of silicone implant paperweights. Not quite the mental image I expect when I think of Ozzy. I wonder if he'll be wearing reading glasses when he organizes his bills underneath those fancy new paperweights. This is the metal icon of my youth.

I'm thinking there must be some better uses for Sharon's discarded breast implants. Here are the first few that come to mind:

• Ozzy can learn to juggle. It can be part of his stage act for the next OzzFest tour. He'll juggle the implants until they pop, oozing silicone all over his geriatric hands.
  
• Ozzy can revamp his pyrotechnic show. The next time he goes on stage, he should douse the implants with gasoline and light them on fire. Behind him, the band would launch into the most epic version of Goodbye to Romance ever played.
  
• Ozzy can use them as weapons, hurling them at heckling fans in the front row.
  
• Ozzy can use them as sofa pillows. He and Sharon can lean up against them and cuddle when they watch reruns of The Osbournes on DVD.
  
• Ozzy can use them as Frisbees and throw them to his dogs.
  
• Ozzy can regift them to his daughter Kelly, who may be in the market for breast augmentation to jumpstart her sputtering music career.
  
• Ozzy can stick them in the freezer and use them as ice packs to keep his beer cold when he takes the family on a picnic.
  
• Ozzy can sell them on ebay to a die-hard fan.
  

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This one is a bit bizarre, but then again, when is the plastic surgery world ever normal?

A couple divorcing in North Dakota is engaged in a bitter battle over the woman's breast implants. The husband claims that his estranged wife's implants should be considered as part of the marital assets to be split up during the divorce.

He's not asking her to remove an implant so that he can place the little silicone pouch on his mantle as a reminder of a marriage gone awry. Fortunately, the man is not quite that insane. He is simply arguing that the medical expenses associated with her breast augmentation should be considered marital assets since the surgery was cosmetic, elective, and unnecessary. Since the procedure was paid for with marital assets, the husband would like half of that money back.

I know, I know, it doesn't get much more absurd than this. Unfortunately, this guy's divorce lawyer didn't have the integrity to tell him he was crossing the line of decency. However, the judge presiding over the case had no problems calling the man out on his outrageous request. He found the claim to be "absolutely nonsense," adding that he "can't imagine people would actually waste time thinking that breast implants are marital assets. It just defies common sense."

Request denied. Better luck next time.

I suppose there is a moral to our story. If you are going to use marital assets to pay for your breast augmentation, make sure your marriage is on solid ground first. Otherwise, your crazy husband may try to use your breast implants as an excuse to make your ugly divorce even uglier.

I wonder how this kind of argument would work with liposuction. Would the husband demand a pouch filled with half the removed fat as a memento? A pretty disgusting thought. Sorry to put it in your mind.

If you are interested in breast augmentation in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area, please contact the Pittsburgh plastic surgery office of Dr. James Barber today to schedule your initial consultation.

Before you read any further, you MUST -- I repeat MUST -- watch the video in the link below. You have no choice. The entertainment value of what follows hinges on your having seen this video. Plus, don't you want to see this woman crush a watermelon with her giant fake boobs? Who can resist an offer like that?

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d21_1231085665

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this one. I'm sure we can all agree it is a classic piece of television which must be preserved for posterity. I know I'll be showing it to my grandkids in 50 years. I suggest you do the same.

I love how they shift back and forth between speaking English and Spanish. It's like they're not sure who is tuning into this program. Should we cater to the gringos north of the border or just our regular Latino viewing audience? Then again, I think the message imparted when you smash a watermelon with your giant breast implant should universally speak to everyone in the audience, no matter what your native language may be.

I also love that the woman dedicates her bludgeoning of the watermelon to her mother in Santiago. A rather odd choice don't you think? If you were smashing a fruit larger than a newborn baby with your torpedo-sized breasts, would you really want your parents to tune in and watch? Do you think they would throw a viewing party for all their friends? Would they stand up and cheer, shouting, "Hit that melon. GO! GO! GO! GO! That's my girl." I'm sure her parents are beaming with pride as we speak. A lifetime of parenting, all for this one glorious 60 second moment that will be forever remembered on the Internet. It really makes you want to have kids.

If you watch closely, you can see a chunk of her hair extensions fall off the second time she hits the watermelon. Then, if you keep watching closely, you will see her deftly remove the piece of hair from the table a few seconds later (approximately 20-25 seconds into the video -- yes, I've studied this clip a little too closely). I can't really tell what happens to the hair. Does she put it in her pocket? Does she stuff it down her shirt next to her massive fake boobs? Does she drop it on the floor? Regardless, she clearly didn't want to get watermelon juice on her precious fake hair. After all, that would be tragic.

She has a very interesting technique. She alternates between hitting the watermelon with one boob and two boobs. Sometimes she'll go double boob twice in a row, sometimes she'll single boob it twice in a row. How will she hit it next? We just don't know. She is so sly, she keeps us on our toes the whole time. You might want to call her the Muhammad Ali of watermelon bludgeoning. Float like a butterfly, sting like a breast.

When the watermelon finally cracks, you think she's done. But wait. There's more. She must finish the job by hitting that thing 4 more times. As if it wasn't destroyed enough the first time. Before her last strike, she even pauses for what seems like an eternity to measure her down stroke. Executed like a true pro.

Anyone hungry? Feel like some watermelon drenched in silicone? Yummy. She goes to town, grinning from ear to ear, watermelon juice dripping down her face. Clearly, it's a tasty watermelon. So why doesn't the TV show host want to try some when she offers him a piece? Could it be that it was just smashed into pieces by a nuclear warhead-sized breast? Did you see the guy's reaction? He was speechless! He couldn't even respond to the offer. He even ran off the set in order to avoid eating that thing. She had him freaked out.

Those were my highlights. But this is a plastic surgery blog, so we should talk a little bit about her breast implants too. What do you suppose they are made of? Steel? Iron? Kevlar? Arnold Schwarzenegger's endoskeleton from The Terminator?

I'm shocked that they didn't pop from the impact. Her plastic surgeon must be pretty good. Oh, and how much silicone does it take to break a watermelon into a million pieces? A gallon? Two gallons? I wonder if at her initial consultation, she told the doctor, "Pump me with enough silicone to bust up a giant watermelon. I don't believe in using knives."

That must have been painful, fake breasts or not. What would ever possess someone to do a thing like that? I doubt it was her first go at this. Her technique was too refined. I wonder if she is always black and blue from pounding on fruit with her surgically enhanced breasts.

Alternative Watermelon Crushing Scenarios

To leave you all today, I would like to place a few images in your mind to help wipe away the scarring display I just forced you to watch. Let's consider how this event would have transpired under the following situations:

• An 8-year-old's birthday party -- Do you think a bunch of 8-year-old kids could bust that thing pinata-style? I suppose you would need to supply them with an aluminum bat instead of a tiny wooden stick. I would feel bad for the poor kid who actually busts that thing wide open, only to find out there is no candy -- just a heaping mound of watermelon debris all over the place. Talk about a let-down.
  
• Tailgating at a football game -- Ok, so how many beers would a bunch of meatheads have to drink tailgating at a football game before they thought about crushing that watermelon on their head? Crushing an empty beer can on your forehead is one thing, but this might send you to the hospital. Safety first -- wear a helmet.
  
• Star Wars style -- How would she break this watermelon using the force? We can divide this into two scenarios. In the first one, a greatly dismayed Yoda would look at her with his signature constipated facial expression, yelling, "There is no try, only do or do not." He would then lift the giant watermelon out of the swamp so that she could take a swat at it with her light saber.

  In the next scenario, we turn to the Dark Side of the force. She is now Darth Vader (with really big boobs). She points to the watermelon, saying "You have failed me for the last time." The watermelon begins to choke under her wrath, eventually exploding like the planets experiencing the wrath of the Death Star.

• Matrix style -- This one would be a little difficult. I doubt she can fit into those tight leather outfits that the women of the Matrix would always wear. Maybe Keanu Reeves could lend her his trench coat so that she is more comfortable. But as with any other problem encountered in the Matrix, there is only one way to solve it -- pump 50 rounds of machine gun bullets into it until it is truly dead.
  
• Godfather style -- How would Don Corleone order the execution of this watermelon? Again, I will present you with two scenarios. In the first, the watermelon is placed in the front passenger seat of a car while Luca Brazzi sits behind it, strangling it with a wire. It should be a little less messy than those executions in the movie -- there aren't any legs to kick through the windshield while it fights for its dear life. But it may drip watermelon juice all over the car's upholstery. That could be tough to clean.
  

  In the next scenario, Don Corleone stands in front of the priest taking Baptism for his new God-son, renouncing Satan and all of the other evil vices in his life. Across town, one of his thugs (with giant fake boobs) places a bullet right through the butt-end of the watermelon, showing it who is boss once and for all.
  

• Karate Kid style -- This one is my favorite. A whole new era for Mr. Miyagi. As our mondo-breasted woman flails around trying to grasp the fundamentals of karate, Mr. Miyagi could tell her, "Karate not from here (points to her hands). Karate not from here (points to her head). Karate comes from here (fondles her massive breast implants). Now, show me wax on, wax off. Show me sand the floor. Show me paint the fence. Show me pound the melon." I'm sure you can figure out how this one ends.

If you are interested in breast augmentation to bust up a watermelon in the Orlando, Florida area, please contact experienced Orlando breast surgeon Dr. Brian Joseph today to schedule your free initial consultation. Make sure you warn him in advance if you intend to use your new breasts as battering rams. It may affect your procedure.